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The upside to being a bum is that you don't get mugged very often.

Once you get old, life is like a box of whatchamacallits.

I'm a morning person: That's when I get my best sleep in.

Everyone has said, "It tastes like crap," but only a select few really know what they are talking about.

I dream of Jeannie loving Lucy.

Your parents did the best they could. The bastards.

A comfortable shirt is one in which you can blow your nose.

It can take a man several marriages to understand the importance of monogamy.

The best part about gay men is that they're not always trying to prove they're not gay.

Our boss must understand that sometimes the universe doesn't want us to be on time.

It only seems like it would be funny to enter a bank wearing a ski mask.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Just because it pays well doesn't mean it's a good job.

No means no. So does pepper spray.

Reporting in front of the White House gives credibility to whatever you say.

It's hard to explain a papercut on your penis.

Winter is cruel: It makes women wear so much clothing.

Maybe it's time to give up on cloning and take a crack at fusion.

You have to climb pretty high into the hills to masturbate in peace.

What's really jolting when you see two sobriety checkpoints side by side.

Some guys are so married, they're gay.

The best part about a chat room is that you can't be slapped.

Bright people should get extra days off to compensate for all the time they waste on boneheads.

It's a good thing that global warming doesn't affect rich Americans.

Men get to choose whatever their wives pick out for them.

Doors don't open themselves. Well, electric ones do, but that ruins the saying.

Women are more concerned with the bulge in his back pocket.


Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

- Albert Einstein

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

- Mark Twain

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

- George Carlin

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

- Robin Williams

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

- George Eliot

I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

- Woody Allen

Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

- Woody Allen

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.

- George Bush

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

- Burt Bacharach

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

- Abraham Lincoln

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

- Mark Twain

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

- Gabor

ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

- Ambrose Bierce

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.

- Anonymous

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

- Roseanne

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

- Anonymous

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

- Gary Busey

Bowling balls are like whores

you pick them up and finger them

throw them into the gutter

and they come back for more..

An apple a day keeps the docter away

but if the doctors cute screw the fruit.

Your so stupid that you got stabbed in a shoot out..

Studying: take the S-T-U off and it’s just dying.

Don’t hit kids seriously they have guns now!

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  Posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 3:48 AM under   One Liner | RSS 2.0 Feed