says to the priest with guilt. "i had an affair....
The priest says "what do you mean almost?"
The guy says "well we got undressed and
rubbed against each other, but then i
"In the eyes of the lord rubbing against each
other is the same as putting it in" says the
priest..'"for your penance say 5 hail marys and
put some money in the poor box".
The guy leaves the confessional, says his
prayers ,then walks over to the poor box. He
pauses for a moment then starts 2 leave..
The priest seeing this,quickly runs over to him
and says,"you didnt put any money in the poor
The guy stops and says'"yeah but i rubbed the
money on the box, and in the eyes of the lord
thats the same thing as putting it in"
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago,
IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're
married or in a serious relationship. If yes,
then this person is asked three very personal
questions and the significant other's name and
work phone number. If the significant other
answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"
or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your
wife's name? First only please, Brian.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was
the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No
one would ever have said that if it there
weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you
had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that
her mom is staying with us for a couple of
weeks and she was taking a shower at the
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more
adventurous than the last hundred times I
have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put
Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we?
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have
been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the
line with us. Brian knows not to give away any
answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know
the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions
honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you
three questions and if you answer exactly what
Brian has said, then the two of you are off to
Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does
include tickets to Disney World and Sea
Sara: All right.
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian
went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING
DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it
Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14
minutes I think DING DING DING.
DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I
guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Last question: where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell
them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is
vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!
Brian: NO, no she didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with
your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you
told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where
did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen.This is live radio and these things do happen.
anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely
birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty
good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before
leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's,
and upon getting her order, asks the counter
girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she
is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an
old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78
and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell
how old a woman was, but it requires you to
let me put my hands up your shirt and feel
your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you
They waited in silence on the empty street
until curiosity got the best of the woman, and
she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt,
under her bra, and begins to feel around. After
a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay,
how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing!
How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line
stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind
man joins them after a few minutes. When the
bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only
the wife and her eight children are able to fit
in the bus. So the husband and the blind man
decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man and says to him.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the
end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a
rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
sitting in the bus.
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up
money very fast, he won't even be able to get
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Always consider a business proposal in its
entirety before agreeing to it or risk getting
screwed an uncountable times!
leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back
in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet
you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and
limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the
worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five
dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the
house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather
comes back out and hands the little boy
another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from
your grandma "
takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and
orders a glass of champagne.
perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a
special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a
special day for me, too, and I'm also
celebrating," says the woman.
coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses
and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
husband and I have been trying to have a
child Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How
did your chickens become fertile?"
cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she
give the man a shot, so he can extract the
'No way! No needles. I hate
needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide
and the man objects I can't do the gas thing.
The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the
patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra
worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to
give you something to hold on to when I pull
were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut
through a darkened park when they were
stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet,
his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find
any jewelry from the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked
his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond
ring as well dear?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I
managed to hide it when they were searching
"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them
search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee
place." said the girl shyly.
"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother
were here, we could have saved my motor