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Adult jokes 18+

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A catholic guy enters a confessional booth and

says to the priest with guilt. "i had an affair....

almost"

The priest says "what do you mean almost?"

.

.

The guy says "well we got undressed and

rubbed against each other, but then i

stopped"...

"In the eyes of the lord rubbing against each

other is the same as putting it in" says the

priest..'"for your penance say 5 hail marys and

put some money in the poor box".

The guy leaves the confessional, says his

prayers ,then walks over to the poor box. He

pauses for a moment then starts 2 leave..

The priest seeing this,quickly runs over to him

and says,"you didnt put any money in the poor

box".

The guy stops and says'"yeah but i rubbed the

money on the box, and in the eyes of the lord

thats the same thing as putting it in"

‎(Just keep in mind this was on live radio....)

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago,

IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're

married or in a serious relationship. If yes,

then this person is asked three very personal

questions and the significant other's name and

work phone number. If the significant other

answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know

"Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only

please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"

or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your

wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was

the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No

one would ever have said that if it there

weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you

had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that

her mom is staying with us for a couple of

weeks and she was taking a shower at the

time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more

adventurous than the last hundred times I

have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put

Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and

call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we?

(touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have

been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours

now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the

line with us. Brian knows not to give away any

answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know

the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you

up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions

honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you

three questions and if you answer exactly what

Brian has said, then the two of you are off to

Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does

include tickets to Disney World and Sea

World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian

went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING

DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it

last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14

minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I

guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell

them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is

vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with

your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you

told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where

did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen.This is live radio and these things do happen.

anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely

Orlando, Florida.

If women are so good at multi-tasking...how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time??
A woman decides to have a facelift for her

birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty

good about the results. On her way home she

stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before

leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you

don't mind my asking, but how old do you think

I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's,

and upon getting her order, asks the counter

girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess

about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she

is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an

old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78

and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,

when I was young, there was a sure way to tell

how old a woman was, but it requires you to

let me put my hands up your shirt and feel

your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you

are."

They waited in silence on the empty street

until curiosity got the best of the woman, and

she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt,

under her bra, and begins to feel around. After

a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay,

how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing!

How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line

at McDonald's."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus

stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind

man joins them after a few minutes. When the

bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only

the wife and her eight children are able to fit

in the bus. So the husband and the blind man

decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind

man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the

end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving

me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a

rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be

sitting in the bus.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his

office,

But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he

went up to

her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me

have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money

on

the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished

by the

time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she

would have

to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up

the

money very fast, he won't even be able to get

his

Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half

an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls

and

asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its

entirety before agreeing to it or risk getting

screwed an uncountable times!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking

leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an

earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He

says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back

in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet

you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and

limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes

back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the

worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five

dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the

house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather

comes back out and hands the little boy

another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from

your grandma "

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern,

takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and

orders a glass of champagne.

The woman

perks up and says, "How about that? I just

ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns

to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a

special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a

special day for me, too, and I'm also

celebrating," says the woman.

"What a

coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses

and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My

husband and I have been trying to have a

child Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my

hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great," says the woman. "How

did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched

cocks," he replies.

"What a coincidence," she

said.

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to

give the man a shot, so he can extract the

man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate

needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide

and the man objects I can't do the gas thing.

The thought of having the gas mask on is

suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the

patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with

pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a

Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra

worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to

give you something to hold on to when I pull

your tooth.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter

were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut

through a darkened park when they were

stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet,

his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find

any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked

his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond

ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I

managed to hide it when they were searching

you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them

search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee

place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother

were here, we could have saved my motor

bike!!"




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  Posted on Monday, January 16th, 2012 at 7:04 AM under   Jokes | RSS 2.0 Feed



Comments
Angelo Harvey (Greenville) [ Reply ] 2013-04-15 04:59:08
Funny as heck


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