acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
-- Tommy Cooper
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
said "My dog's died.'"
-- Tim Vine
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse
I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he'd scored.
-- Kathy Lette
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
-- Lord Barnett
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
-- Dick Gregory
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst.That's the Secret Service.'
- Jay Leno
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than tolet him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.