13 Really Funny quotes!!!

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let

the other one off.

-- Tommy Cooper

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was

sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell

she is.

-- Ellen DeGeneres

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.

I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

-- Tommy Cooper

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He

said "My dog's died.'"

-- Tim Vine

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a

library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find

out later she has money.

-- Bob Monkhouse

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he'd scored.

-- Kathy Lette

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:

'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'

-- Lord Barnett

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

-- Dick Gregory

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

-- Gracie Allen

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst.That's the Secret Service.'

- Jay Leno

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than tolet him keep her."

- Sacha Guitry.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

- Groucho Marx.

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